Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Year's Resolutions for the relatively uncommitted

Here is a list of manageable resolutions for the otherwise uncommitted diva. These are easy and totally maintainable!

1. In 2011, I will limit dramatic crying in public.

2. In 2011, I will match my bra to my panties.

3. In 2011, I will wear panties to limit the general public's exposure to my bum.

4. In 2011, I will not overuse the term freedom when talking about polictics or any subject for that matter.

5. In 2011, I will remember the first and last name of all new sexual partners.

6. In 2011, I will not play Kelly Clarkson, Keisha, or Justin Bieber so loudly on my ipod that everyone in the elevator can hear. "Your love, your love, your love, is my drug!"

7. In 2011, I will never complain about calories on a dinner date or at a dinner party. No one wants to hear you count points during dinner. If you must, take it to the ladies room and jot it down in a small notebook.

8. In 2011, I will never start a sentence with "I read in US weekly that..." Nor will I refer to celebrities by their first names. "Did you see that Reese dumped her new boyfriend?" "Oh no! I loved them together!"

9. In 2011, I will properly use all idioms and cliches.

10. In 2011, I will limit my use of the most offensive phrase known to man "No offense, but..."

11. In 2011, I will think before I speak, buy, kiss, take off my pants, consume, or tattoo.

12. In 2011, I will wear banana republic wide-leg trouser pants that aren't too big (or too small). These are not meant to be replacement sweatpants ladies.

13. In 2011, I will not be jealous of the photo I saw on facebook of my boyfriend/husband/lover/doorman and some other woman. I also won't obsessively look at her facebook photo albums.

14. In 2011, I will not friend request my doorman on facebook.

15. In 2011, I will not dress like a slob because I was told it was casual.

16. In 2011, I will not fall asleep with food on my lap.

17. In 2011, I will not compliment a dining experience by saying that the portions were HUGE!

18. In 2011, I will not complain about the TSA going through my things.

19. In 2011, I will limit my alcohol intake to 1-bottle of wine per night.

20. In 2011, I will consume mother nature's original diet soda, water.

See! Very easy!

1 comment:

  1. this is probably the most hilarious post so far!
    As i went down the list, the hunch that you had someone in mind when you wrote each one of those points got stronger :) am i right?